[ man ] For heaven's sake, Wendy, Look for an airport !
Will you look For the airport ? Oh, don't make such a fuss.
Just put it down On a mountain.
[ man ] What do you mean, Just put it down ?
I'm lucky I can keep it up. I told you, I never flew before.
[ Wendy ] Don't shout at me. I'm a first-class passenger.
[ man ] You're a first-class lunatic !
It's all over, Wendy. Our relationship has A quarter of a tank to go.
Yes, but you do love me, Don't you, Harold ?
I know this is an awkward time To bring it up,
But I must know For our future.
Ohh ! Aah !
[ Wendy ] Harold, darling, Do answer me.
[ Harold screaming ] [ Wendy ] Oh !
[ no audible dialogue ]
You can stop pretending To be asleep, Sidney. It's over.
I was listening to Beethoven's ninth.
Somewhere on this plane There's a wonderful orchestra.
The cameraman must do Luggage commercials.
All you could see Were the bags under my eyes.
We'll be landing in Los Angeles In five minutes, Miss Barrie. I suppose we must.
You were terrific ! I loved it !
Oh, thank you. That's sweet.
What ?
Oh. I hope You win the Oscar !
It's bizarre.
Eight years with The national theatre,
Two pinter plays, Nine Shakespeare, Three Shaw,
And I finally get nominated For a nauseating little comedy.
That's why They call it Hollywood.
Oh !
Gorgeous color. The smog.
I wonder if They sell it in bottles.
It would make A wonderful present For the folks back home.
Thank you. I'm sorry, Mr. Barrie.
The "no smoking" sign's on. Oh, sorry.
I thought it was meant For the people down there.
[ laughing ]
[ sighs ]
Oh, Christ. The royal treatment.
And if I lose, We go home in a station wagon.
[ Sidney ] I can get used to this life Very easily, darling.
Promise me you'll Get nominated every year.
[ man ] We have a magnificent suite Back at the hotel for you.
[ woman ] How nice. [ starts engine ]
I'll call you In half an hour. Fine.
Thank you.
Well, that's just fine. Unless you're making A pot of tea,
I think we're in big trouble. I didn't build the car.
I just drove it.
Did you look at the gauge Like I told you to ?
I looked at the gauge More than I looked at the road.
I ran off the road. I did not run off the gauge.
But if you looked at the gauge, It wouldn't have overheated.
You mean Lookin' at the gauge real good Stops it from overheatin' ?
No, but you've got to speak up.
You've got to say, "hey, the gauge says We're overheating."
This is not the kind of news That you keep to yourself.
You know, I hate rent-a-cars. Why don't we just Leave it here ?
It's cooling off, see ? I told you. All we needed To do was give it a chance.
All right, close the hood. Let's go. I'll drive.
Oh, no ! Oh, god. Say he didn't slam the hood.
What's the matter With the doors ?
Didn't the man say Not to slam the hood down ?
Didn't the man say the doors Sometimes lock when You slam the hood down ?
Did the man say I would burn my hand ?
It's locked, all right. Who's got the keys ? The car's got the keys !
Why didn't you take the keys ? I only went From my seat to the hood.
I thought it would be safe. You on this side. Stand over there.
- what fool closed the windows ? - that fool closed the windows.
Even with my eyes on the gauge, I saw that fool Close the windows.
The air-conditioning Doesn't work with open windows.
Well, now the car doesn't work With closed windows, Does it, fool ?
Smile, everybody ! We're in los Angeles !
I'm not paying for this window. Bettina, you're keeping The books.
Put the window In his column. We're drivin', ain't we ?
We're not bein' towed, Are we ?
Deduct the cost of being towed From my column.
Oh, when are you two Gonna stop bickering And start vacationing ?
It's been like this Ever since we left Chicago.
I have to go to the bathroom. Can we pull off And find a gas station ?
Okay, honey. "okay, honey" ?
What do you mean, "okay, honey" ?
This is no time For "okay, honey." We're on a freeway.
When your wife wanted tacos, I heard enough "okay, honeys."
Now, how am I On that side, honey ?
[ Bettina ] You're fine. Hurry up.
He's not fine If he has to hurry up !
[ horns honking ]
Now ! Now ! Go now !
[ Bettina screams ] [ horns honking, Tires screeching ]
Whiplash !
Now we all got whiplash, Okay, honey ?
Good luck tonight, Miss Barrie. Uh, would you ?
Oh. Everyone says You're going to win.
Listen, I知 pleased Just to be nominated.
Can I have Your picture ?
Oh, just by yourself.
Herb, how are you ? Charlie, what do you say ?
Billy boy. How's The new script coming ?
I found all the words In the dictionary. I just Have to put 'em together.
I mean, we'll never be able to afford this.
I mean, the prices Out here are ridiculous !
Yeah, sure. Mrs. Hannah Warren, please.
I asked them. Bill Warren.
[ telephone ringing ]
Yes ?
Where are you ?
306. Why don't you come up ?
[ knocking on door ]
Come in. One double scotch, One tea with lemon.
Six dollars And ninety-five cents. Yes, ma'am.
Would it be possible to just Rent a couple of drinks ?
Ma'am ? [ telephone ringing ]
Uh, would you put that On the coffee table, please ?
Hello ? Oh, yes, put him on.
Bob ? Oh, thank god, A civilized voice.
How are you ?
No, awful. I can't wait To get out of here.
It's like paradise With a lobotomy.
How's Washington ?
Rain. Oh, god. How wonderful.
No, no, nothing's settled yet. He's on his way up.
Bob, I don't want To call in a lawyer Until I see how it goes.
When have you known me To be intimidated ?
That doesn't count.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I remember it in detail.
Bob, can you save The erotic conversation until It can do us both some good ?
Yes. Yes, I will. I'll call you As soon as he leaves.
I do too. Bye.
[ hangs up phone ] looks like another beautiful day, huh ?
For a change.
Hello, Hannah.
you were supposed to knock. I was going to keep you waiting in the hall.
You screwed up My big moment.
You still have trouble Saying a simple "hello."
Oh, I am sorry.
You always did get a thrill out Of the little things in life.
Hello, bill.
Hello, Hannah.
- how are you ? - at this moment, I'm completely nonplussed.
What the hell have you done To yourself ? You've turned Into a young boy again.
It's good to see you. I mean it.
You look like the sweetest, Young, 14-year-old boy.
You're not spending Your summers at camp, are you ?
Just three weeks In July.
Shouldn't we kiss or Shake hands or something ?
Let's save it For when you leave.
I made a 1:30 reservation For lunch. Is that all right ?
Just, uh, give me a minute.
When you haven't seen Your ex-husband in nine years, Your eyes have to... Adjust.
I love Your California clothes.
They're Bloomingdales Of New York.
It's the best place For California clothes.
My god, You look so--
I don't know. What is the word I'm looking for ?
Happy. Casual.
You never know out here. Are you dressed up now, Or is that sporty ?
I didn't think a tie Was necessary for a reunion.
Is that what this is ?
When you walked in like that, I thought we were Gonna play tennis.
You certainly look Fit enough for it.
"fit." You think I look fit ?
You awful shit. I look gorgeous.
Yes, you do, Hannah.
Your tan, of course, Is perfect.
I always wondered how You got the back Of your ears so dark.
You put the top Of your car down And drive away from the sun.
Look, if we're gonna Banter like this, Give me a little time.
After nine years, I'm a little rusty.
Oh, you'll pick it Right up again. It's like French.
You see, that's what I壇 miss If I ever left New York-- The bantering.
San Francisco痴 Only an hour away.
We go up there And banter in emergencies.
I never liked San Francisco. I was always afraid...
I'd fall out of bed and Roll down one of those hills.
Not you, Hannah. You roll up hills.
Oh, good. You're bantering.
The flight out Wasn't a total loss.
I detect a bit of snip In the air.
Does that mean Your conversation with jenny Wasn't all that successful ?
Oh, I don't know. I thought that we glared At each other rather well.
I ordered a drink before lunch. I thought one of us Might be a little nervous.
I gave up Double scotches on the rocks Six years ago.
I'm big on apple juice These days.
Well, I guess I知 the one That's nervous.
It's obvious this place Agrees with you, bill.
Or do they call you Billy ?
That's right. Jenny told me. Everybody calls you Billy.
That's me-- Billy. it's just adorable.
Forty-four-year-old Billy Standing there...
In his cute little sneakers And sweater.
You'd better sit down, Billy. You're making me feel like Your math teacher.
I promised myself driving Over here I would be pleasant. I am now being pleasant.
You drive everywhere, do you ? Even to your car ? Everywhere.
If we're going, I think we'd better get started.
You have changed, Billy. You know, you don't get rattled As easily as you used to.
Well, they don't have As many rattlers out here.
Maybe this lunch won't be As dull as I thought.
Marvin ! Hey, Marvin !
Harry ! [ laughing ] Hey !
Hey, boy !
Harry.
You-you got so bald. How did you get so bald ?
You don't see your brother In five years, That's all you gotta say ?
I didn't even know It was you, You got so bald.
Where's Millie ? She's coming in On the morning plane.
We don't like to fly together On account of the kids.
You got so bald !
Hey, Marvin, take a gander.
Hmm ? Oh, I壇 give up Two years of my life for One hour with each of them.
[ Marvin ] You still haven't changed, Have you ?
Let's say "hello." Let's see how far we can get.
Hey, don't start in With me, harry.
I'm here one night Without Millie. Don't get me into trouble.
Would I do that to you ? You did it to papa When he was 82 years old.
Don't do it to me.
Oh, miss ? You-- Stop already With the girls !
Your kid is getting Bar Mitzvahed tomorrow.
Hey, stop it. What is this, A jogging outfit ? That's what we do here.
[ Hannah ] Jenny tells me you've moved.
You're not in Hardy canyon anymore. Laurel.
Laurel canyon. Laurel, hardy, What the hell.
She says it's sort of A small French farmhouse...
With a little water mill In back...
And the sweetest Little tennis court. That's right.
Sounds awfully rugged. Well, we're from pioneer stock Out here in the west.
There's a glass house Two blocks down the road if you Want to throw some more stones.
Maybe I値l just drop something From the plane...
When I leave tonight... With jenny.
This is very familiar. Yeah.
The house we rented The year before jenny was born Is just down the road there.
That wasn't a bad summer, Was it ?
I thought it was terrific. [ sighs ]
Yes, well, the pacific ocean Was a lot more interesting In those days.
[ bill ] No, thank you. No cigarettes either ?
No, I gave them up Eight years ago.
Don't you miss the coughing And the hacking In the morning ?
It woke the dogs up. I have dogs now.
Isn't divorce wonderful ?
You have changed, Billy. You've gone clean on me.
Tell me, what else do you do To keep that winsome Adolescent look ?
You're just dying To make a little fun of me, Aren't you ?
No, I don't mind. I have an hour to kill.
Would you believe I, uh, I run five miles Every morning ?
After what ? Oh. After a good night's sleep.
I don't even have a pill In my medicine cabinet, And I gave up analysis.
Oh, I heard that. Why did you quit ? I went sane.
Sane ? My god. How boring.
Tell me something, Billy, Don't you ever get depressed ?
Yes. When ?
Now.
And I, uh, I hear You went in for an operation.
A hysterectomy. It was nothing.
I have them every year.
I understood you had, Uh, prostate trouble.
Small world, isn't it ?
Well, our past sins Do have a way Of catching up with us.
Jenny tells me You have a new boyfriend.
[ chuckles ] No.
I have a lover. Jenny has boyfriends. Oh.
A writer in the Washington Post, I知 told. mm-hmm.
He's 54 years old, He has a heart condition,
Asthma, Leans toward alcoholism.
He also has the second-best mind I've met in this country Since Adlai Stevenson.
What's with you mate-wise ?
"mate-wise" ?
Mate-wise, I知 seeing A very nice girl.
Are you ? Where are You seeing her to ?
Come on, Hannah.
I beg your pardon. Have I offended you ?
My god, it's a long time Since I致e been involved In a smart-ass conversation.
I'm sorry, But you're the one That said things like,
"I hear you have a boyfriend," And "I知 seeing A very nice girl."
I'm not the one with The Bobsey twin haircut And the peter pan phraseology.
I can see you've really come To hunt bear, haven't you ?
Hunt bear ?
Is that what you said ? "hunt bear" ?
Is that the kind of nifty Conversation you have...
Around the campfires out here In the rugged west ?
Can we talk about jenny ?
What's your rush ? She's only 17.
She has her whole life Ahead of her.
If I知 gonna turn my daughter Over to you, which I am not,
At least I wanna know What you're like.
Jenny is our daughter. Ours. Maybe. We'll see.
They've been a little slow With the blood test.
Christ. Five million cigarettes...
Are murder on the lungs.
[ panting ] Oh !
When you were younger, You were the healthiest girl I knew. What happened ?
With Nixon in the White House, Good health seemed to be In bad taste.
Your friend's about A size too small for me.
How does she fit you ?
Nicely, thank you.
Is this the neophyte actress With the golden hair Jenny's been telling me about ?
Am I being too nosy ? Not for a Newsweek editor.
Yes, she is, and she's A damned good actress.
Married before; Has a nine-year-old boy.
Really ? Should make A nice pet for jenny.
Is marriage contemplated ?
It's contemplated. It's being discussed And seriously considered.
And we all get along Like clams.
Right. And would there Be room for all of you in The little French farmhouse ?
Or will you have to take them To a Moroccan villa On Wilshire boulevard ?
What the hell Are you so bitter about ?
You used to be bright and witty, And now you're just Snide and sarcastic.
It comes with age. When you don't have A fastball anymore,
You go to Change-ups and sliders.
Can we go ? I feel like we're playing From here to eternity.
Pretty girl. I think so.
I suppose if jenny stays, She'll grow up To look like that--
Blonde hair, blonde teeth, Blonde life.
God, I can just hear The quips flying...
When you and The second-best mind since Adlai Stevenson get together.
Sitting there freezing Under a blanket at The Washington redskins games,
Playing anagrams With the names of all The polish players.
Your mind clicks off Bric-a-brac so goddamn fast...
It never has a chance for An honest emotion or thought Ever to get through.
And you're so filled With honest emotion,
You fall in love every time Someone sings a ballad.
You're worse Than a hopeless romantic. You're a hopeful one.
You're the kind of man who would End the world famine problem By having them all eat out,
Preferably at a good Chinese restaurant.
Oh, for god's sake, Hannah. Let's stop this crap.
I don't know if your bitterness Is because jenny ran away...
Or because she ran away To somebody whose lifestyle...
Epitomizes everything You consider cheap and banal.
I don't have a lifestyle. I have a life.
You have no legal rights To her. You understand that ?
Certainly. Then tell her To come home with me.
I did. She would like to try it With me for a year.
She's not happy In New York, Hannah.
Nobody's happy in New York, But they're alive.
What a snob you are.
Thank god there's A few of us left.
[ dryer whirring ] what is there so beautiful about your life...
That makes it so important To put down everyone else's ?
[ shuts dryer off ] New York is not the center Of the goddamn universe.
I grant you, It's an exciting, vibrant, Stimulating, fabulous city,
But it is not Mecca.
It just smells like it. To hell with New York Or Boston or Washington.
I don't care where jenny lives. I care how.
She's a bright girl With an intelligent mind.
Let it grow and prosper. What the hell is she Gonna learn in a community...
Whose greatest literary Achievement is the map Of the movie stars' homes ?
Tell me about it, Hannah.
Tell me about The political elite On Martha痴 vineyard in July.
I remember vividly Those charity luncheons...
To raise money for The California grape pickers.
A teeming mob of women Who must have spent $12,000 On Gucci pants...
So they could raise 2,000 For the grape pickers.
Why the hell didn't they just Mail them the pants ?
You were terrific when You used to write like that.
I haven't seen your newest film. I'm told it grossed very well In backward areas.
Jesus. Was I anything Like you before ?
I couldn't hold a candle to you.
No wonder Nobody here talked to me For the first two years.
Lucky you.
Look, we have To settle this today.
If you respect jenny As a person, then respect Her right to make a free choice.
You get her for the summers. That's enough.
It takes me the other Ten months of the year to get The seaweed out of her brains.
How much time do you Spend with her ?
How often do you have Breakfast with her ?
How many nights a week Does she eat dinner alone ?
You really think she's Happy with that $20 bill You give her...
Every time you go off To Washington For the weekend ?
The girl is growing up Lonely, Hannah,
And she's flown out here On her own savings To prove it to you.
She has two dogs, A Dominican cook,
And every good-looking boy In the senior class Living off my refrigerator.
Despite her gothic reports, She is not living The life of Jane Eyre.
Would you like to know what Jenny has to say about you ?
She told me. She thinks I'm a son of a bitch.
She also thinks I'm a funny son of a bitch.
She loves me, But she doesn't like me. She's afraid of me.
She's intimidated by me. She respects me,
But she doesn't wanna Become like me.
We have a perfectly normal Mother-daughter relationship.
How the hell Can you be so flippant...
When it comes to your Own daughter's well-being ?
And how the hell Can you be so pompous...
Not to recognize a perfectly Normal, rebellious attitude In a young girl ?
If she didn't complain, I'd probably send her To an expensive shrink.
Since she's with me Ten months of the year,
It is only normal You're the one She's going to miss.
I think by and large she and I Have managed quite well.
But like all young girls, She needs a father image.
I don't mind. If it's only July and august, It might as well be you.
This is April, And she came out Without your permission.
She never had A good head for dates.
What would you do if I just keep her here with me ?
I will call my friend, The attorney general Of the united states,
If she's not on The 9:00 plane tonight.
Why didn't you ever run For office, Hannah ?
I always thought you'd have made A hell of a governor.
I don't think A democratic system Really works.
Offer me a monarchy, And we'll talk.
It's 2:30. Will you call jenny or shall I ?
No.
no, what ? no, sir.
The truth, Hannah.
You know if we leave it Up to jenny, you don't Stand a chance in hell...
Of getting her On that plane. Certainly.
Why else would the ninny Run away ?
Who said We don't have problems ? She is 17 years old,
And when we go at each other, She needs another shoulder To cry on.
But I値l be goddamned if I'm gonna give up a daughter...
For a pink cashmere shoulder Three thousand miles away.
This is an event.
It's the first time in my life I've ever seen you so nervous.
[ chuckles ] I'm not nervous.
I'm scared to death.
That's good of you To admit it.
But honesty always was One of your strengths.
You're pretty cute yourself. I mean it.
Oh, why do men Have to get better looking When they get older ?
Remind me to bring it up with The equal rights commission.
[ Marvin ] So where are the stars ? I don't see any stars yet.
[ harry ] They come out at night.
I'll pick you up for dinner At 6:30 in front of the hotel.
Suit and tie, Or sloppy like you ?
[ sighs ] Look at that beauty. Mmm !
They fall out of the trees Here like oranges.
Lucky thing I didn't move out here. I'd be bald, like you.
How come you're so preoccupied With sex, sex, sex ?
I thought all that jogging, You'd forget about sex.
You know something better ? Thank you.
Here you go. Thanks. You're still the same-- Girls, girls, girls.
You fall apart every time You see a tuchas.
[ telephone ringing ] %% [ big band on radio ]
Hello ?
Oh, yes. How are you ?
Well, she's a bit nervous, I think.
Do you really think she will ? Well, let's hope so.
Oh, yes, and, uh, Thank you for the flowers And for the fruit...
And for the lovely suite And for the caviar...
And for everything else You send up by the hour.
One moment, Joe. Diana, it's Joe Pickman.
Tell him I知 in the can.
The man has paid for this trip, He's paid for this suite.
He's given you the best part You've had in five years.
I am not gonna tell him You're in the can.
Then I値l tell him.
Joe, darling.
I told Sidney to tell you I was in the can.
I didn't want to speak To you, that's why.
Well, because I feel So responsible.
I don't want to Let you down tonight.
I know how much this film Means to you,
And I want so much To win this award for you, Joe.
No, there was No picture without you.
Well, goddamn it, it's true. After four studios Turned it down,
You deserve some Special perseverance award.
you're a chubby little man, and I adore you.
If I win tonight, darling,
It's not going to be An Oscar.
It's going to be a... Joe Pickman.
You're an angel.
- that was very sweet. - did you like it, dear ?
That's gonna be My acceptance speech.
Your acceptance speech ? All except the part That I was in the can.
[ chuckles ] Well, naturally,
You and I know I don't have A hope in hell, but You have to prepare something.
you can't just stand there sobbing all over Burt Reynolds.
You've got as much chance As anyone else. [ TV, indistinct ]
No, I-- I don't have the sentiment On my side.
You've got to have A sentimental reason...
For them to vote for you.
Any decent actress Can give a good performance,
But a dying husband, that Would have insured everything.
You wouldn't like to get Something fatal for me, Would you, angel ?
You should've told me sooner. I could've come over On the Hindenburg.
We are dreadful, Aren't we, Sidney ?
God will punish us.
I think he already has.
Let's do something naughty. You always think of such Good naughty things to do.
I was naughty All day yesterday. Not with me, you weren't.
You'll just have to learn To show up on time.
Well, except for An extremely critical decision That's still to be made,
It's been a nice day.
What do you say, Hannah ?
I'm out of cigarettes.
I can't be expected to give up My daughter and cigarettes On the same day.
Goddamn it !
I only have One more year with her.
Next September, She's gonna go to college.
She's gonna come out In four years A revolutionary or a nun.
Or worse, Like you or me.
A little bit of both Wouldn't be so bad.
Do you like your mother ?
My mother ? She's dead.
Don't quibble. Did you like her ?
Yes, I liked her.
I don't like mine much.
Can you imagine being A pain in the ass For 78 years ?
I knew there was something wrong Even when I was in the womb. I never felt comfortable.
I think I was hanging too low.
[ sighs ]
We shouldn't have had jenny.
People like you and me, We're too selfish.
And I-- I don't want her...
To grow up hating me,
And I don't wanna see her Growing up out here...
'Cause I知 scared I'm gonna hate her.
I know. Maybe you and I should've Stayed together.
We could've-- We could've let jenny go, huh ? What do you think ?
I think you're still one Of the most interesting women I've ever met.
He's not gonna live long, You know.
Who isn't ? My friend At the Washington post.
He had open-heart surgery That was a total waste of time.
I'm sorry to hear that.
So am I.
The man could really Make me laugh.
Oh, well, You win some, lose some.
Talk about resiliency.
Oh. For a smart lady In a man's world,
I'm not doing so bad.
Tell me something, bill. Is being in love better now ?
Yes.
- why ? - because it's now.
Oh, Christ.
I can't wait To become a grandmother.
I think I screwed up The first time around.
[ telephone ringing ]
Yes.
I see.
Yeah, I understand.
No, no, no. I'll take care of it.
Okay, bye-bye. [ hangs up phone ]
It's jenny. She's downstairs With her bags packed.
She says it's up to us.
She'll abide by Whatever decision we both make.
And you agreed ? Certainly.
Oh, what a cunning bastard You are.
If we say she goes back To New York, she's Gonna think I coerced you.
We say she stays here, She's gonna think I didn't Even put up a fight for her.
You think she has That devious a mind ?
Of course. She's my daughter.
I don't suppose you'd consider Spending ten months Of the year back east ?
Only if Everyone there leaves.
You want me to make it Easy for you, Hannah ?
I'll throw in my vote.
Whatever you say goes, And I値l tell jenny We both made the decision.
Oh, Jesus. No wonder there's so many Used car salesmen out here.
How much time do I have ? I've always panicked At deadlines.
As much time as you want.
Is it only from here She looks so small to me ?
I say she goes back.
I see.
All right, Then she goes back.
You think I知 wrong, Don't you ?
I'm disappointed, But I trust your instincts.
If you feel it's right, I have enough faith in jenny That she'll see it too.
I知--
I'm so afraid I'm going to lose her, bill.
What are you looking at ?
This is a new color for you-- Vulnerable.
Well, take a picture of it, 'Cause you're not Gonna see it again.
- [ whispers ] Keep her. - what ?
I said, keep her.
But for six months, Not a year.
And I get to choose the school, And any school I choose has To give me three references.
God, what am I doing ?
Stay the weekend, Hannah. Talk it over again with jenny.
You don't have to make A decision just because You got a plane ticket.
I'm a fighter, Billy. If I stay the weekend,
I'll not only take jenny Back with me, I might take your Goddamn girlfriend back too.
Don't let me bully you Into this, Hannah.
Look, why can't The three of us Talk it out ?
I'm gonna get jenny Up here. No, goddamn it !
If I have to give her up To get her back, Then let's do it.
You never stop Amazing me, Hannah.
I'll tell you one thing. You're not the same woman I left nine years ago.
And I知 missing The ovaries to prove it.
Well, guess who's Nonplussed now ?
You never thought I'd say "yes," did you ?
Keep up that Pioneer spirit, Billy.
You're gonna need it raising A 17-year-old daughter.
I think you're doing A terrific thing, Hannah.
So do I.
- I suppose you wanna see her Before you go ? - well, you suppose wrong.
I've seen her. I'll call her When I get to New York.
Bell captain, please.
What should I tell her ?
Tell her I hope she'll be Very happy and I知 selling Her record collection.
Would you send someone up For the luggage, room 306 ?
Thank you.
You know, we couldn't Have been too bad together.
We produced a hell of a girl. I think you have that A little wrong.
I think the two of you Produced a hell of a mother.
Maybe you're right.
Um, can we shake hands now ? I'm about to leave.
Sure. What more can I lose ?
[ elevator door opening ]
N-no--
Serve her plenty of broccoli And lima beans.
- she likes them ? - she hates them.
But from now on, What do I care ?
Good-bye, Hannah. It was very good Seeing you again.
I feel like a-- Like an artist...
About to part with a painting That she doesn't want to sell.
I'll frame it and keep it In a good light.
Do that.
Take care Of my daughter too.
Bye.
What do you mean, Just one room ? There are two reservations.
Dr. And Mrs. Willis Panama, Dr. And Mrs. Chauncey Gump.
I have here one deluxe room, Double bed,
For dr. And Mrs. Panama On the 3rd, 4th and 5th. Yes.
I have nothing For a dr. Gump.
There must be a clerical error Or an omission of intelligence,
Because my travel agent Made the reservation.
Now, he's my wife's brother, And he's also my patient. I wish you'd double-check it.
I already double-checked Our files.
Here's the telegram we received. You can see for yourself.
Yes, I can see that my name Is missing from this wire.
But as you can see, I'm not missing From your hotel.
Now, there's four of us, And we need two rooms.
I don't have Two rooms available. I'm sorry.
It's academy award week. We don't care who wins.
We just wanna get into bed. I do have A small single.
However, there is Some repair going on.
It's not terribly comfortable, But I can squeeze A small daybed in.
I'm sorry, but it's The best I can do. Well, what do we do ?
I'm not gonna stand Around here with whiplash And argue with the man.
I'm gonna check in To the Hilton. Let's go, baby.
Well, it's our last few days Of vacation. I'd hate For us not to be together.
What do you mean, "not be together" ? We're all Gonna check into the Hilton.
Well, they do have A reservation For the two of us.
You wanna stay in this hotel After the way They've been treatin' us ?
Well, they're treatin' Me and Bettina all right.
I really had my heart Set on staying here. It's so pretty here, Chauncey.
Oh, listen. Listen. What ?
Even a tiny room in this place Couldn't be too bad.
And it's only For two nights. Please, Chaunce ?
Come on.
Okay. Okay, okay.
We'll toss for the small room. Why ? I already Have my reservation.
Willis, you're not thinkin' What I hope you're not thinkin'.
I didn't make the reservation. I don't see why We have to suffer...
Because her brother is an idiot. We see enough blood In the hospital.
I don't wanna see any blood In this hotel lobby.
Now, either we toss For the room, goddamn it, Or we toss for the room.
Now, call it. I'm not tossing For any room.
I'm going up To my registered room, Sit in my reserved bath.
Come on, honey. No, no. Take it easy.
What time is it ? What ?
What time is it ? It's a quarter to 1:00.
I want you to remember That time, 'cause that's when We declared war.
Yes, we'd like the court From 10:00 to 11:00 Tomorrow morning.
And split the charges With me and dr. Gump.
Balls and everything. All right, thank you.
We got it ! We are set, tomorrow morning.
And we're gonna cream 'em Six-love, six-love.
And if we have time-- [ together ] Six-love again.
[ telephone ringing ]
- hello ? - Chaunce ? Hi, buddy. What you doin' ?
Oh, nothing much. Uh, just sittin' here Watchin' the toilet flush.
It's been flushing About two hours now, Wouldn't you say, hon ?
Well, that's too bad. You and Lola Wanna use our john ?
Nah. We were thinkin' About waitin' till We get back to Chicago.
Well, we're all set. Tomorrow morning, 10:00 a.m. How's that ?
Fine, fine. [ chuckling ]
Sneakers'll be A little damp though, But you won't mind.
What time we going To the Greek restaurant ?
Lola wants to know What time we're going To the Greek restaurant.
Oh, didn't I tell you ? Bettina felt like Japanese,
So I booked Fujiyama痴 For 7:30.
We'll see you Down in the lobby, 7:15. Now, don't be late, ya hear ?
Fine.
That man will never Get to Chicago alive.
The, uh, real dark horse In this year's Oscar derby...
Seems to be Diana Barrie,
One of the most respected Actresses in the business And perhaps best known...
[ ringing ] For her portrayals of Shakespearean queens...
And pinter heroines at London's national theatre.
Diana is up For her first Oscar... Hello ?
In the funny but featherweight Comedy that might have Slipped by unnoticed--
Oh, yes. Yes. We'll be down in about, Uh, five minutes.
Thank you.
Sidney ? Yes ?
Sidney, take a look...
And-and try To be gentle.
Channel two just picked you As a dark horse.
- they must have seen The dress. - you hate it.
How much was it ? Nothing. Joe Pickman paid for it.
Then I love it. Damn it.
I wish you didn't have Such good taste.
I have a definite hump On my left shoulder.
It cost 500 pounds, And I look like Richard III.
Do you notice the hump, Sidney ?
[ clears throat ] Isn't that Your regular hump ?
Don't joke with me. I am going On national television.
There are no humps.
I can see no humps At this particular time.
I should've worn Something simple.
My black pantsuit.
Why the hell didn't I wear My black pantsuit ?
Because I am wearing it. We should never have come.
I never know how to dress In this bloody country.
It's so easy To dress in England.
You just put on Warm clothing.
Why did we come, Sidney ? Because it's free, darling.
Glenda Jackson never comes.
She's nominated Every goddamn year.
We could have stayed in London And waited for a telephone call.
David Niven could have Accepted for me.
He'd have been bright and witty, And no one would've Noticed my hump.
Use it, sweetheart. People will pity you For your deformity,
And you're sure to win.
Maybe if you put Your arm on my shoulder.
Keep your arm on my shoulder At all times.
If I win We'll go up together, Your arm around me.
They'll think we're Still mad for each other After 12 years.
Oh, I thought we were. I keep forgetting.
How many gin and tonics Have you had ?
Three gins and one tonic. Catch up on the tonics.
We don't want to be Disgusting tonight, do we ?
What's wrong with my hair ?
I look like I've combed it with a towel.
When you played Elizabeth You looked like a warthog, And you never complained once.
That was acting. This is living.
Living, I want to be beautiful.
It's the strangest color. I asked for a simple rinse,
And that ditsy queen's Given me crayon.
Shall I walk with my arm On your head as well ?
Oh, Christ. I hate Getting dressed like this.
Why is it I知 always Perfectly comfortable As somebody else ?
I'd of been perfectly happy Going as Hedda Gabler.
Try Quasimodo. Try shutting up !
Now, check me out. Do I have too much jewelry on ?
Jingle it. I can't tell If I don't hear it.
Will you please Be nice to me and pay me One bloody compliment ?
I've been getting ready For this horseshit affair For three hours.
- Diana, you're just-- - what ? What ?
[ chuckling ] I was--
I was just gonna say You're making a mountain Out of a molehill.
But I didn't think It would amuse you.
That's not funny, Sidney.
That's bizarre. Give me a drink.
You have the most bizarre Sense of humor.
Bizarre people often do.
Give me a bit more. It's all right.
I won't get pissed Till after I lose.
The car is waiting. Oh, god.
Why do they have These things so early ?
I mean, no woman can look good At 5:00 in the afternoon,
Except possibly Tatum O誰eal.
Finish your drink. Mmm.
I don't want to miss The sound editing awards.
Oh, those bloody photographers And newsmen.
I can't wait To see how they explain My hump in the papers.
Where are you going ? I need another drink.
The last one Wore off in the lift.
Gin and tonic, please. Nothing for me.
I heard that if you're late, They put nondescript people In your seats.
Do you know what I might do Next year, Sidney ? I pray anything but Ibsen.
I might give it all up.
It's no fun anymore. Oh, god, how I envy you.
You're the one With all the talent. I'm the one...
Who has to make A horse's ass of myself. Talent ?
What talent do I have ? You have nothing but talent.
You cook better than I do, You write better than I do.
God knows you dress Better than I do.
Better than "I." The "do" is superfluous.
You speak better than I do--
What's that green slime You're eating ?
It looks like a dish Out of Oliver Twist.
I'm not sure. I think they run the front lawn Through a blender.
You've got that glazed look In your eye again, Sidney--
That "bored-with-her-life" Attitude.
I'm never bored With your life, my angel.
I love the openings And the parties.
I lead a very gay life. Let's be honest, pet.
How many antique dealers Get to go to The academy awards ?
I think you hate That dusty little shop.
You're never there When I call. Could I, miss Barrie ?
It's for my daughter. Excuse me. Oh, certainly.
What's her name ? Uh-- Just say, "to frank."
What do you do With your afternoons, Sidney ?
In London ? I don't think We have afternoons.
Gin and tonic, pl-- Check, please.
Come along.
you should never have given it up, Sidney.
What ? Acting.
Christ, you were good. You had more promise Than any of us.
Really ? I can't think What it was I promised.
You were so gentle On the stage.
So unselfish, so giving.
You had a sweet, Gentle quality.
Yes. I would've made A wonderful Ophelia.
You could go back, Sidney, If you wanted to.
We could do plays together, Have more time together.
No, there'd be problems. It would be awful if we were Both up for the same part.
I'm perfectly happy selling My 18th century door knockers.
You still haven't told me What you do With your afternoons.
I just told you, I look for knockers.
[ speaking Spanish ]
I think I got it stopped, But you won't be able to use The water in the bathroom...
For a while. Oh, it's okay.
We have enough On the floor to last us. Thank you.
Okay, hurry up. What ? Lola--
The man is 20 minutes late.
How would you like to be lying On an operating table...
With tubes going in your nose, Waiting for him to show up ?
Your brother's Gonna pay for this.
I'm tired of being nice To that man. The next time I take his x rays,
Wait till I tell him What I found on them.
My feet are still wet. The foot powder Is turning into concrete.
nine Japanese restaurants in ten nights ?
I am sick and disgusted Of stepping on raw fish...
In my stocking feet That that man Drops on the floor.
Now, come on, woman. This is pearl harbor night.
Can we get going ? I'll drive. You'll what ?
Do you know where Fujiyama's is ? No.
I'll drive. Why don't you two argue In the back ? I'll drive.
Okay, honey. "okay, honey" ? Watch out When he says, "okay, honey."
I feel like A caged animal, Sidney.
They look as though they're Going to throw nuts at us.
[ Sidney ] Nonsense, darling. They're just ogling us.
I adore being ogled, Don't you ? Oh, Sidney !
Yes ?
Sidney, kiss me. Kiss me and wish me luck.
There's your kiss. Now turn around so I can Rub your hump for luck.
Sidney, please be nice to me. I'm scared to death.
I wish you everything.
I wish you luck, I wish you love, I wish you happiness.
You are a gifted And remarkable woman.
I hope you win The bloody Oscar.
Fifty years from now, I'll be able to sell it For a fortune.
Just hold my hand, angel.
[ cheering, whistling ]
And now, Ladies and gentlemen,
To again prove that The academy awards are Indeed international in scope,
We're so pleased To welcome here from London...
The academy award nominee For her best performance...
In that wonderful picture No right turns--
No, it's called no left turns.
Miss Diana Barrie And her very handsome husband, Mr. Sidney Barrie.
Sidney Cochran. Sidney Cochran.
[ siren wailing ]
And you say when you put Your foot on the brakes, Nothing happened ?
I didn't say "nothing happened." I said that the brakes Didn't work.
When the brakes didn't work, That's when Nothing good happened.
You snapped the cable Holding the cars.
I've never seen Anything like this in my life.
I thought it was a jet.
I thought, "oh, god, We've just been 747'd."
My legs are paralyzed.
I can't move. My legs are paralyzed.
Okay, we're gonna get you out As fast as we can, all right ?
It's not from the car. It's from sittin' in A Japanese restaurant.
Hold on tight. I'll get you A cup of coffee, all right ?
Congratulations.
Come on. It's after 3:00.
Don't give me that Superior-than-thou crap.
You're stinking, Aren't you ?
Don't talk to me like that. I'm a lady.
A loser and a lady.
One of the great Losing ladies of the cinema.
[ Marvin ] You remember that night Up in the Catskills...
When you ran away and You came back an hour later...
Because you stepped in The cow doo-doo ?
[ both laughing ]
Oh, that was funny. Whoo, am I tanked, harry.
Are you sure This is the right hotel ? Don't ask me. I'm blind.
Hey, bubbie, Thanks for a terrific evening.
Thank me in the morning. The night is not over yet.
What do you mean ? What are you smiling about ?
Sleep well, kid. Don't forget to leave An early wake-up call.
What are you talking about ? What's going on here ?
[ tires screeching ] I don't trust that guy.
Something's going on here.
%% [ humming ]
Hi. I'm bunny.
Is this 203 ?
%% happy birthday From your brother harry %%
%% happy birthday to you %% [ pouring drink ]
This is not my birthday. My birthday isn't Until next month.
I'm in no hurry.
Tequila ?
You never told me What award I missed When I went to the can.
The best documentary Short subject. Oh, damn it.
My favorite category. What won ?
the midgets of Leipzig. a Czech-polish production.
Sigmund Wednetski, producer.
Directed by Litweil Zumbredowicz And Stefan Vlech.
Mmm. I thought they would.
What was the best picture ?
The best picture ? You were there When they announced it.
It came after The best actress.
I was in a deep depression At the time. What was The best bloody picture ?
Do you mean what was The best picture of the year, Or what did those idiots...
Pick as the best picture Of the year ?
What won the award, You asshole ?
I am not an asshole. Don't you call me that.
Sidney, I have just thrown up On some of the best people In Hollywood.
Now is no time To be sensitive. What was the best picture ?
I'm not telling you. I'm not asking you.
I'm threatening you, You crud !
Now I知 definitely Not going to tell you. I'm sorry.
I take it back, Sidney. You're not a crud.
[ gasps ] God ! Definitely. Am I still an asshole ?
Then I知 never going To tell you. You behaved abominably tonight.
Did not. Did not. Asshole crud ! Abominably. Abominably.
I am going to bed. We have a 10:00 a.m. Plane To catch in the morning.
10:00 a.m. Is the morning.
That is redundant, You a-h.
Oh, do you think I don't know What you're saying ? I can spell, you know.
Not without moving Your lips, you can't.
I would like Another drink, please.
You drank everything In this state. Try Nevada.
Oh, Sidney !
I saw your privates. [ chuckling ]
You were right. We should never have come here.
Have you ever seen a greater Assemblage of hypocrites...
Under one roof In all your life ?
Were the hypocrites there ? Why didn't you Point them out to me ?
Hypocritical hypocrites.
They love you and fawn over you On the way in.
And if you're a loser When you come out, it's...
"too bad, darling. Give us a call When you're back in town."
You should have thrown up over The whole bloody lot of them.
Sidney ? yes ?
Was I hit by a bus ?
I look as though I was hit By a fully-loaded, Guided tour bus.
Did you notice how quickly The winners got their cars ?
They must have known Beforehand who the winners Were going to be...
In order for the winners To get their cars Before everyone else.
We've come 6,000 miles For this bloody affair, and They park our car in Vancouver.
I've aged, Sidney. I'm getting lines In my face.
I look like a brand-new, Steel-belted radial tire.
Even Litwell Zubredowicz and Stefan Vlech got their cars Before we did.
And then, those little twerps-- They splashed water all over My trousers as they drove by.
I'm hungry.
- what are you doing ? - I知 phoning room service.
I want some eggs benedict.
Hello ? Eggs benedict, please.
You have to ask For room service first, twit.
Room service, please.
- twit and a half. - oh, touch�.
Isn't there anyone there ? I only wanted Some eggs benedict.
Oh.
Oh, I see. Mmm.
Well, it just isn't My night, is it ?
Where are you going ?
To their bloody kitchen to make Myself some eggs benedict.
- twit ! - twitette !
[ rattling ]
Lola, I don't feel so good. What is it ?
Raw fish and wet feet.
I'd like to throw up, But the room is too small.
Lola, I think I'm gonna throw up. Oh.
I'm positive. I'm gonna-- Lola ! All right.
Lola, it's coming. Lola !
Lola. Lola !
[ groans ]
[ telephone ringing ]
Who could that be At this hour ? Who do you think ?
[ sighs ] Their game plan is to see That we don't get any sleep.
Hello ? It's Lola.
Yes, Lola.
What ? You're kidding.
Well, tell him to take Two compid spansules.
What ?
Listen, I don't make House calls when I知 working. Why should I on vacation ?
All right, All right, all right. I'll be there. All right.
He's purposely doing this. He knows I don't play well Without eight hours sleep.
I'll give him sleeping pills. He won't be able to raise His racket for a week.
Willis, don't start in. He'll sue you for malpractice.
But we'll win the match.
I found the people at the Oscars singularly unattractive this year.
didn't you ? oh, Christ.
I noticed a general decline in Face-lifts and hair transplants.
Must be the economy, Don't you think ?
Did you get your eggs Benedictined ?
Bitchy. Bitchy, darling.
You haven't started Anything naughty without me, Have you ?
I didn't expect to see you Until dawn.
I heard lots of other cats Prowling around out there.
Well, we're not all As lucky as you, Sidney. You got your prowling in early.
- who was he, Sidney ? - what are you talking about ?
That adorable young actor you Were chatting with all night.
Gorgeous, wasn't he ? Where did you find him ?
He was at our table. We shared a butter plate.
How spreadably cozy.
Careful, darling. We're tired, and we're smashed.
Let's not Get into shallow waters.
Oh, I am sorry.
Let's just talk showbiz, Shall we ?
Well, who did you Vote for tonight, Sidney ?
I don't vote, dear. I'm not a member Of the motion picture academy.
I'm an antique dealer.
One day, when you're an antique, I shall vote for you. That's a promise.
No, I mean who did you Vote for privately--
In the deep, deep, Inner twit recesses...
Of your redundant mind ?
When miss no-talent Ran up there, All teeth and teary-eyed,
I could feel The tension release From every part of your body.
What a nasty streak you have When you drink.
Also when you eat And sit and walk.
picky. Picky, Sidney.
are you unhappy 'cause you didn't get to wear my dress ?
If I had worn your dress, It would have hung properly.
Nothing personal.
There never is anything personal Between us, is there, or Is that getting too personal ?
I was devastated When you lost.
But look at it this way: It's just a little, bald, Naked statue.
Just like you'll be one day. Did he carve his telephone Number in your butter patty ?
Oh, go to hell ! What's this, Sidney-- A direct assault ?
A frontal attack ? That's not like you, Sidney.
Wit and parry. Wit and parry-- That's more your style. You make me sick !
When you can't have what you Want, you make certain everyone Around is equally miserable.
I hadn't noticed any equals. You can throw up verbally as Well as you can nutritionally.
Adam-- that was his name, Wasn't it ? Adam, the first man.
Not very appropriate For you, is it ?
Diana, come off it.
We keep up a front for Everyone else. Why can't we Do it for ourselves ?
You mean, Lie to each other that we're Perfectly well mated ?
A closet couple-- Is that what you mean, Sidney ?
I have never hidden Behind closed doors,
But I am discreet. "discreet" ?
You did everything But lick his artichoke.
Oh, please. Let's not have A discretion contest.
I have heard about your Lunch breaks on the set.
The only thing you don't do In your dressing room is dress.
Now I致e lost count Of my Librium.
If I知 not up by 9:00, I've overdosed.
Why is he Coming to England ? Who ?
That boy. He said, "see you in London next week."
- what's he doing in London ? - acting, of course.
He's making a film there. what film ?
I don't follow Other people's films. I barely follow yours.
[ sighs ] Goddamn him !
And goddamn you, Goddamn the Oscars,
Goddamn California, Goddamn everything !
What is it about this climate That brings out The religion in you ?
Why don't you love me ? What film is that line from ?
You bastard ! Answer the question. Why don't you love me ?
It didn't sound like a question.
I'm tired of Paying for everything And getting nothing in return.
I thought Joe Pickman Paid for everything.
If it wasn't for me, You wouldn't be here tonight...
To have arranged to meet him In London next week.
Why don't you Love me anymore, Sidney ?
I've never stopped loving you, In my way. [ sighs ]
Your way doesn't do me Any good.
Diana, it is nearly 4:00 in the morning.
Now is not A good time to discuss Biological discrepancies.
- faggot ! - oh, good. I thought You'd never ask.
Don't turn away from me. I'm so miserable, Sidney. Don't do this to me.
Please.
I'm sorry. It hasn't been A winning evening, has it ?
Screw the Oscars. Screw the academy awards.
- screw me, Sidney, please. - Diana--
I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I don't want to put you Off your game.
Diana, I am always here for you.
My friendly filling station.
Why don't you stick to Your own kind, Sidney ?
If there's anything I hate, It's a bisexual homosexual.
- or is it The other way 'round ? - it works either way.
Jesus god, Sidney, I love you so much.
- I know that, darling. - why do you stay with me ?
What do you get from me that Could possibly satisfy you ?
A wider circle of prospects.
I am a minor celebrity Once removed.
Sorry I didn't win That award tonight.
Your dance card would have Been filled for a year.
We haven't done Too badly together.
I'm kinder to you Than your average stuntman.
There was a time, Sidney,
When I thought you'd Give it all up for me.
I love you, my angel,
More than any woman I've ever known.
Christ, I can't get a break.
I do the best I can. Thank you.
You can't say we don't Have fun together. Oh, hell, no.
The dinner conversations alone Are worth the trouble.
[ yawning ] Sorry.
Sorry, Sidney. It wasn't the kiss. It's my life.
Tired ? Come on, then.
Losing Oscars always Does that to me.
I'll get up first thing And order your eggs benedict.
You do take care of me, Sidney. I'll say that.
And good help is So hard to find these days.
You scratch my back, And I値l scratch yours.
It's been an evening Of ups and downs, hasn't it ?
Mm-hmm.
Care to continue the motion ?
Tacky.
You're getting tacky, My angel.
I love you, Sidney.
Don't close your eyes, Sidney.
I always close my eyes.
Not tonight.
Look at me tonight.
Let it be me... Tonight.
- long ! - what ?
Long. The serve was long.
You're half asleep. How can you see The serve was long ?
I saw it with the half That was awake. Second serve.
I hope he knows something about Orthopedics, 'cause he won't Be able to walk after this.
Long ! Double fault. Love-fifteen.
What ? What ? How can you call That ball long ?
It's simple. Like this: looooong ! Now, serve the ball.
Serve the ball, Willis. We only have the court For an hour.
After I serve you head for The clubhouse, 'cause there's Not gonna be any survivors.
- "long." - you ready ?
- oh ! Ooh ! - get a towel, Somebody, quick !
God, Willis ! Jesus ! I'm sorry.
Does it hurt to massage it ? Honey, I知 sorry.
It's okay. It's okay. You all right ?
Yeah, I知 okay. All right. Fault ! Second serve !
Let them have the room tonight, Please. It's safer.
[ moaning ] never again.
Never again. Never.
Never.
Oh, god.
What are you doing here ? I thought you left.
Hey, hey. Come on. You can't stay here.
Wake up. [ groans ]
Ohhh.
Oh.
10:45 ? Jesus Christ, it's 10:45.
Hey, wake up. Wake up. Don't you understand ?
It's 10:45.
Crazy. I must be crazy.
Hello ? Hello, operator, What time is it ?
10:45 ? Why didn't you call me ?
I left a wake-up call For 8:00 this morning !
I did ! I didn't ?
Well, you should have Called me anyway.
Hey, come on. Get up. My wife could walk in Any minute.
Hey ! What's wrong with you ?
You deaf or something ?
You all right ?
What'd you do ? You drank An entire bottle of tequila With my wife coming in ?
Are you crazy ?
Oh, god.
Oh, listen, listen.
You gotta sleep this off Someplace else. This is A bad place to sleep this off.
Water. How 'bout some nice water ?
Here, lady. Sip a little water.
Drink, sweetheart, For my sake.
Open your lips, You crazy broad !
[ breathing deeply ]
Don't panic. Panic is the quickest way To divorce.
Don't panic. Mustn't panic !
Move. Move !
Please, god, make her move. I'll never be a bad person Again, I promise.
All right. We're going to get you dressed And down into a cab.
That's it.
I'm really sorry This happened.
It was a wonderful evening, Whoever the hell you are.
Come on, darling. Push.
Get your leg in there. Get your foot in there And push.
Come on ! Come on.
Push, darling, push. Get your feet-- Feet in here.
Come on ! Damn it, push !
Legs up, and push.
[ mock sobbing ] Get the foot in. Come on.
Come on !
You're not gonna Help me, right ?
Think, think, Marvin. Think, think.
[ sighs ] Change rooms.
Let some other idiot Get stuck with her.
Hello, operator ? Get me the front desk, please. This is an emergency.
Listen, I have two wonderful Children who need a father. Don't do this to me.
Hello, this is Mr. Michaels In suite 203 and 4.
Listen, I知 very Uncomfortable in this room. The bed is very bad for my back.
When I woke up this morning, I thought my life was over. [ chuckles ]
Well, we don't have Another vacancy Until 2:00 this afternoon.
One moment, Mr. Michaels. May I help you, ma'am ? Marvin Michaels.
I'm Mrs. Marvin Michaels. He's on the phone now. Suite 203.
Thank you. Would you Tell him I値l be right up ?
Mr. Michaels, as I was saying, We can have a...
Very nice suite for you Sometime after 2:00.
I can't wait until 2:00. My wife is coming in From the east any minute now,
And I know she's not gonna be Happy once she sees this room.
Who's here ? My wife ?
My wife is here ?
You sent my wife up here Without calling me ?
What the hell kind Of a cheap hotel Are you running here ?
Well, send somebody to stop her Before she sees this bed !
It could ruin Her entire vacation !
I could jump. With two broken legs, She'd never be angry with me.
[ door buzzer ] oh, my god.
- Marvin ? - oh, god.
Oh, my god.
Marvin ? Hello ? [ knocking on door ]
Marvin ?
Open the door !
Just a minute ! what are you doing, rearranging the furniture ?
open the door !
I'm going into the other room. Once I知 in there,
Lock this door And don't open it for anyone !
what ? I cannot hear you.
[ door buzzer ] who is it ?
it's me, Millie. Millie ?
yes ! just a minute !
Millie ? Hello, Marvin. Thank you for opening the door.
Hello, sweetie.
Why didn't you pick me up At the airport ?
Why ? Yes, why ?
Why.
I've been sick all day.
I just threw up In the other room. Don't go in there.
The doctor left About ten minutes ago.
I have acute Gastroenteritis.
- but it's nothing To worry about. - oh, my god !
When did this happen ? About 2:00 in the morning.
You look terrible. Why don't you get into bed, Honey. You'll feel better.
Come on, you'll be more-- Oh, no ! Oh, no ! I'm not supposed to lie down.
It makes me nauseous. It just makes me nauseous. Honey-- okay.
Oh, you're so sweet. [ kissing ]
I feel much better In this room. It's so much cheerier.
I think you better lie down. [ gagging ]
I need Some compazine spansules. What's that ?
Aah ! It stops nausea.
Compazine spansules. Did you call downstairs To the drugstore ?
They don't carry it. It has codeine in it.
The nearest place That has it is a drugstore On Santa Monica Blvd.
But they don't deliver. I'm gonna have to go Down there myself.
All right, I値l go. I'll go.
Where's the prescription ? What prescription ?
Didn't the doctor give you A prescription ? You can't get Codeine without a prescription.
Yes, you can. In California, you can. Compazine spansules.
Well, then-- I have to go to the bathroom.
Now ? well, I haven't gone in four hours.
I told you, I just threw up in there, All over.
Please, give me the opportunity Of making it presentable first.
It means a great deal to me.
We've been married for 15 years. You've never cleaned up A bathroom before.
Well, I think it's High time I started.
Don't you ?
Please. I'll be right out.
Sit down for a minute. No, please, no--
Here, have a piece of fruit. Go to the bathroom if you're Gonna clean up, okay ?
I'm sorry, miss.
I'm gonna have to leave you Out in the hall.
Don't worry about it.
They'll take care of you. They have Very good service here.
Mr. Michaels ? Oh, Christ !
D-don't ever do that !
I'm sorry. I was just bringing up Mrs. Michael's bag.
Oh, good. They found your bag, honey.
She was very worried about it. She was just going down To look for it.
You want it in the bedroom ? No !
Um, yes. No, leave it there.
In the hall ? Uh, yes. Uh, no.
Um, give it to me. No, uh, put it in the bedroom.
Is Mrs. Michaels all right ? Yes, she's very tired.
She just flew in from New York. Thank you very much.
Uh, I値l Take care of you later.
[ grunts ]
Marvin, Why is the door locked ?
I can't hear you ! I'm in the bathroom, cleaning !
I can't wait anymore. Open the door.
I'll open the door.
Here comes the door ! Marvin !
The opening of the door Is coming !
What are you doing ? I'm on the way to the door.
The door is open. Don't you know how To work a door ?
What took you so long ? What's the matter ? You got a girl in here ?
That's right ! I have a beautiful blonde In the bed !
I smell perfume-- Women's perfume.
They spray it in all the rooms. It's a terrific hotel.
Oh.
[ sighs ]
My god, I'm never gonna make it.
Feel better, sugar pie ?
I've got circles under my eyes. I didn't sleep all night.
I've gotta take a nap. A nap ? Why do you want To take a nap ?
You can nap at the bar mitzvah. You know how boring they are.
We're never gonna get there If I don't have A few minutes' rest.
Come on, move over. Wait--
Millie, would you Sit down for a minute ? I have to tell you something.
Can't I lie down and hear it ? It's the kind of thing You should hear sitting up.
Millie,
You mean more to me Than you could possibly know.
But sometimes we transgress.
Sometimes we do foolish things Which unwittingly...
Cause hurt and injury To the other.
I don't think you've ever Consciously hurt me.
Consciously, no.
But a careless word here, A foolish gesture... There--
Nothing major, Marvin. We've had disagreements, But nothing major.
I'm glad you Brought that up, Millie. What would you consider major ?
Major ? I don't know. I-I can't picture you Doing anything major.
I-I guess if you were Cruel to the children, That would be major.
I would put that number one.
I would say that That was the worst thing A man could do in a marriage.
To be cruel to the children Is unpardonable. All else could be forgiven.
If I caught you With another woman, That would be major.
Let's not get off The children thing so fast.
To me, children are The reflection-- Marvin, Marvin,
I've got to lie down. Oh, Millie, I've missed you so.
Mm-mm-mm. Oh.
I've missed you.
So-- Let's go to the living room. God, I致e missed you.
Let's make love In the living room. You've missed me ?
You've only been away one night. I know, but there's A three-hour time difference.
My god, I致e never Seen you look so pretty.
Come here, You cute little thing.
Don't be ridiculous. There's not even a bed in here.
Oh. Oh, well. They-- they have Terrific carpeting.
Come on. We tried pot last year. Let's try carpeting this year.
Maybe tonight. If I don't lie down, I'll pass out.
Millie ! Millie, wait ! Millie, don't ! Millie !
You don't Have to get so upset. I said tonight.
I've never seen you So sex-crazed In the morning.
I didn't realize It was the morning.
Why don't you just Lie down next to me And relax ?
We don't have to make love.
Just lie down next to me For-- for half an hour.
Come on. You can Do that, can't you ? [ whimpering ]
Come on.
[ continues whimpering ]
- what are you doing Down there ? - my back is acting up again.
- the bed is too soft. - I don't believe that For a second.
Millie, I can't keep this up anymore. I'm gonna get a heart attack.
I'm gonna tell you something, Millie, and this is the truth.
No more lies.
It was never my intention To hurt you, Millie,
But it's very possible That in the next few minutes...
You may be terribly, Terribly hurt.
Uh-huh. Is it major or minor ?
To me it's minor. To you I think it's going to be Extremely major.
Well, tell me, Marvin.
It couldn't be that bad, As long as you're not Trying to cover up something.
I'd like to show you something, Millie, but I知 gonna ask you To do something for me first.
Say nothing for ten seconds. Whatever comes to mind, please, For the sake of both of us,
Say nothing for ten seconds.
I'm praying, Marvin.
I'm praying that the maid Came in to clean...
And got dizzy from overwork And fainted in your bed ?
It's not the maid, Millie. Well, then,
I'm very anxious to hear Who it is, Marvin.
I can't wait to hear What you have to say next.
I'm waiting, Marvin. I'm waiting too.
You know what my guess is ?
My guess is that that's A woman in your bed. That's my guess too, Millie.
What woman, You can tell me in court.
I'm leaving now, Marvin.
Before I go, I want to ask you One silly question.
- why doesn't she move ? - I can explain that.
Don't tell me You've been carrying on With a helpless paralytic.
I won't buy it, Marvin.
Millie, she drank A whole bottle of tequila By herself !
Set and match point Coming up.
- watch it ! - like I watched the gauge ?
It's mine ! Ooh, ooh, ooh. Look out.
Chauncey, lob it !
- I got it. - I got it, I got it, I got it.
- I got it, I got it. Willis, I got it. - ooh, I got it. Watch it !
Oh !
ow !
Ooh. Ooh ! It's broken. Oh, god. It's broken. I can feel it.
It's not broken. It's sprained. You're a nose and throat man. How do you know ?
We were dead drunk, The both of us.
You think I壇 do something Like that stone sober ? Let me tell you something else.
Being cruel to the children is Number two. that's number one. To you, Millie.
I can understand it being Important to you. To me it was meaningless.
That's a shame, Marvin. I always get so upset when You don't have a good time.
good, good. Get it out.
The quicker you get it out, The quicker you'll be Rid of it.
God. And what do I do now ?
Do you expect me to go To your nephew's bar mitzvah...
And say "congratulations" To the man who paid that woman To sleep with my husband ?
He'll probably wink at you. He doesn't know That you know.
I see. Well, then the joke's on him. Only you and I know that I know.
You're right, Millie. You don't deserve to be Treated like that.
Forget the bar mitzvah. I'll go Back with you on the next plane If that's what you want.
No. I will not give You or your family That satisfaction.
I am going to behave With more dignity Than you ever dreamed.
I am going to that bar mitzvah With my head held high.
I am not going to divorce you. I am going to forgive you.
I am going to forget This ever happened. I am going To figure out why it happened,
And I知 never going To bring it up again As long as I live.
And now, I知 going in there,
And I知 going to spend Every last cent you have.
Here we go, dear. Here we go. To the right. To the right.
Oh, I feel like a piano-- A dead piano. All right.
Lola, please get a wet towel Out of our bathroom.
[ moaning ] You mean, This is all your room ?
Huh ? I slept standing up, And you're living like The king and queen of England ?
The queen is about to Abdicate her leg If we don't get her into bed.
Lola ! Lola, I want you To see what they got--
[ yells ] Oh, god. [ glass shatters ]
What happened, damn it ? Oh. [ clears throat ]
I broke a bottle of perfume. I'm sorry, Bett.
Don't worry. It was only $90 an ounce.
Of all the stupid-ass Things to do-- Hold on.
She did not do it on purpose. You mean it was A planned accident ?
We don't have to take this crap. We can go up to our cigar box And watch our broken television.
come on, honey. ow ! Oh, I cut my finger.
It's bleeding. Oh, damn, that perfume burns !
Only good perfume. Cheap perfume You can't feel at all.
Oh, Bett, there's broken glass On the bathroom floor. Be careful where you step.
I'm glad you told me. I was gonna walk in there A lot today.
[ Chauncey ] Willis, do you have Any band-aids ?
[ Willis ] we'll take care Of one casualty at a time. [ yelling ]
Grab her !
Oh ! Ohh ! [ window shattering ]
Oh, my leg ! All right, all right.
will you please help us ? now you want my help, huh ?
Ohh ! Watch the step.
Ouch ! Oh, help me. Oh, help me, somebody.
Lola, what's-- My head.
I banged my head On the medicine cabinet. I'm gonna pass out.
No, you're not. I am. I'm passing out.
Lola, don't pass-- Lola. Lola.
My god. Would you get me A wet towel ? She passed out !
Lola. Lola, sweetheart, You're gonna be all right, baby.
Don't lie to the woman. She knows she's not okay.
Lola ! Lola !
Lola, you're bleeding On the man's rug. He'll charge me for it.
Lola ? Lola. [ glass crunching ]
Lola, listen to me. Lola ? Lola ?
How many fingers ? Lola. Lola ? Lola ? Lola ?
I just stepped on A broken piece of glass,
And I hope you're satisfied.
That feel better ? No, that's the wrong ankle.
Would you help me lift her To the bed, please ?
Only on vacations. This only happens on vacations. Grab her feet. Oop !
God, it's like Guadalcanal in here. Oh, easy ! Easy !
Easy ! Oh, ouch. Ow ! Oh, careful.
Hey ! Ow ! Wait a minute !
Ow ! Ohh !
[ groaning ] You're all right.
This bed is bigger Than our whole room.
Let's settle up ! What ?
How much do I owe you, huh ?
Because after I pay you, I ain't gonna see you.
All right. All right. Now, let's not get Our noses bent outta shape.
It's all over. Let's forget it. Forget it ?
Forget it. Forget it ? Forget the year I planned for this vacation ?
You know what I got To show for it ? An overdose of Japanese food,
Mildew in my feet From sleeping in a wet bed, A wife with a concussion,
Two lawsuits for two car crashes That I didn't drive two times !
And you want me to forget it ?
Ha ! I'm writing a blank check.
You fill it out And shove it up your-- No !
Hey, hey, hey !
You don't use that language In front of the ladies.
The ladies are unconscious. They can't hear us.
Now, I owe you for A bottle of perfume, Bloodstains on the rug,
And an acetylene torch That burned us out of the car.
I've had it ! Ah-ah-ah.
I want to go home. I need a vacation !
Now, come on, buddy. Now, look, let's shake--
Let's shake, and let's Forget it ever happened.
Oh, shake hands with the man, Chauncey, please. [ screams ]
Watch what you're doing, Idiot !
"idiot" ? That's the hump That broke the camel's back ! Aah !
Either you apologize To my dear, sweet wife For calling her an idiot,
Or I値l take this Japanese aluminum racket And I値l backhand you to death !
Don't threaten me.
Never threaten a man Who's spent two years working The drunk ward. Now, back off !
Apologize to my wife By the time I count to five,
Or I知 gonna start serving With your big head.
- one ! - don't fight. Please don't fight.
- two. - somebody'll get hurt And fall on me.
- three. - don't hit him with the racket. I just had it restrung !
Four ! And you know what comes After four, don't you ?
I'll mess you up so bad, Even I won't be able To fix you up.
Apologize Before I get to five !
Say it. Go ahead, say it.
Say it. Are you afraid to say it ? Say "five." five.
I'll say it for you. Five ! Five ! Five ! Say it !
It don't count Unless I say it. Five !
[ yelling ]
Thank god their patients Aren't here to see this.
Millie. No word From sleeping beauty ?
Oh, thanks. Thank you very much.
Forget about her. We'll get dressed, Go to the bar mitzvah.
And tonight, We'll move to another hotel. May we do that, Millie ?
I wonder if harry Spent as much on her As we did on his lousy kid.
Millie, I値l never do Anything again to hurt you As long as I live.
You're the most special woman In the world to me, Millie, And I love you.
I love you, Millie. Please, Not in front of the hooker.
Oh, god, get him off of me !
Chauncey, don't bite. You'll ruin your caps !
Get him off of me ! Get him off of me ! I've had enough of you.
Don't you ever bite me again. Do you know you could Give me a blood disease ?
Now, tell me we're friends ! Now you say...
That you enjoyed the vacation-- Say it ! Friends !
You're going to tell me That you enjoyed-- Friends !
Friends ! Now ! Friends !
You tell me that you enjoyed Being with us on our vacation !
Best time I致e ever had !
You better believe it. [ yelling ]
Call your wife off. Get off ! Get off ! Get off ! Get off !
[ all yelling ]
Did you love the Japanese Restaurant ? Say it !
Huh ? Say it ! [ gagging ]
Say it ! Willis !
And you say... That you are going... To love...
Going with us next year On a vacation again.
- say it ! - you can crack my ribs, But I won't say it.
You like it ? Mildred, you look beautiful.
Yeah ? Thank you. Beautiful.
Come on, darling. There's A cab waiting 20 minutes.
What happened to our roommate ? She's gone. She couldn't find her shoes.
I gave her yours. Anything to get rid of her. [ chuckling ]
Hey, wait. What are you doing ? Hey, you're giving away my cab.
I asked you to hold that. I'm sorry, sir. I couldn't hold it any longer.
For cryin' out loud. Will you Get me another one, please ? It'll take about 20 minutes.
- we're gonna be late. I knew it. - hi.
- can I give you a lift ? - no, thank you. We'll wait.
That's very nice of you. Get in the cab, Marvin. Are you serious ?
I didn't come 3,000 miles To be late. Get in the cab, Marvin.
Do you know who that is ? Yes, it's our hooker.
You think I壇 ride With strangers ?
this is very nice of you. thank you. oh, my pleasure.
Nice shoes. Thank you.
Live out here ? Sometimes.
Passengers holding A blue boarding pass may Enter the aircraft at gate 37-a.
Thank you.
Mother ! Whew !
I was afraid I wouldn't make it. What are you doing here ?
Where's your father ?
My god. Was it the lima beans And broccoli ?
No, no. He's waiting Outside in the car.
I just wanted to say Good-bye and thank you.
And I love you.
You don't know What this means to me. I've been very depressed.
I just found out I've already seen the movie.
I'm gonna miss you, mother, But I know I知 doing the--
No, no, jenny. Don't say it. It's all right.
I'm doing the right thing. There. I said it anyways.
This is for you.
What is that ? It's a map Of the movie stars' homes,
Just in case you ever Make it out this way again.
Sir, I知 sorry about Dropping that suitcase.
Oh, that's all right. It wasn't the foot With the glass in it.
Tell the hostess I have to sit with My good eye near the window.
I don't want to miss The grand canyon again.
[ raspy ] How can I lecture And operate on Monday ?
I can't speak, And I can't look down.
[ stewardess ] good afternoon, Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome aboard flight 211...
To New York and London.
Our flying time This afternoon will be Four hours and fifty minutes,
And we'll be cruising At an altitude of 37,000 feet.
We'll now be serving you Cocktails and beverages And then serving lunch,
Followed by our film, No left turn, starring James Coburn and Diana Barrie.
Oh, Christ, Sidney, Let's get off. Tell them To let us off this bloody plane.
{{{ the end }}}